I finally chose to forgive myself

I didn’t realize how much of my recovery was being hindered by the person I refused to forgive - ME. I had asked God to forgive me. I had apologized to others. But I kept dragging my own name through the mud.

There were things I had done…
Things I didn’t do…
Things I had said…and things I wish I had said.

And every time I’d try to move forward, the weight of my own regret would whisper, “You are not worthy. You should have known better. You’ll always be this messed up.”

It was just guilt anymore.
It was shame - that deep, dark feeling that says, “Something is wrong with you. You’ll never be okay.”

But here’s what I’ve learned: Shame is a liar. And the echoing voice of self-hatred condeming me must be blocked out and my heart attuned to the still small voice of God that seeks to heal and restore me.

Conviction says, “That was wrong.” But shame says, “You are wrong.”

And for a long time I agreed with it. I let my failures define me. I punished myself with isolation. I robbed myself of joy because I thought I didn’t deserve it.

But Jesus didn’t save me to see my survive my past. He came to redeem my whole life - including how I see myself.

Forgiveness is incomplete if I withhold it from myself. And the same Cross that paid for the sins of others…also paid for mine. I finally chose to forgive myself. Not because I am excusing what I did - but because I believe Jesus already paid for it.

And if God, in all His holiness, can look at me with mercy - then it’s time I learn to look in the mirror and see what He sees: someone who is being made whole.

I am not the person I used to be. I’m still becoming the person God created me to be. And today, I will no longer be my own accuser.